How do you feel when you see yourself stuck at a moment in time? Do you feel wasted or sorry for yourself for not being able to move on? If I talk about myself, I feel miserable. Trust me, I have tried my best to move on from what happened. Yet I feel like I didn’t even make a tiny effort. I always try to accept the fact that I won’t be able to see my friends and family members. Maybe because I chose to move away from them.
It’s been months since I moved to this new place. It is cold and lonely here. There are days when the sun doesn’t come out and the knife-sharp-bone-chilling wind penetrates through layers of clothes. I have been living on mashed potatoes, bread, peanut butter, coffee, and milk for over a week. It isn’t that I don’t have many options here but I don’t want to go out and buy groceries.
Every time I step out of my 1BHK apartment, I feel lost on the streets. With cars honking and bikes racing against the still roads, I can’t walk a step on my own. Last Sunday, I tried to take a walk in the neighborhood and make myself feel better. Honestly, I couldn’t do that for more than 15 minutes. Even though the traffic noise was ear-deafening, all I could hear was my soul screaming to find solace.
I miss home, the warmth and affection of a loved one. It was so nice being at home with the people around me. They were so caring and loving. But then I felt miserable too as it seemed nobody wanted me around. They often saw me as a person who is a wreck.
While I was living with my folks, there were times I felt lonely but not like this. Here, I feel as if I am trapped in a void. Time seems to be halted yet days pass as if somebody has fast-forwarded the earth’s rotation. These days I don’t just sleep because I feel sleepy but to avoid feeling sad and hurt. There are times when I lay lazily under my blanket trying to find the warmth I crave for. The only difference is, that the blanket doesn’t give me the warmth my soul is trying to find.
I never knew, that my life could be so miserable even if I move to another place. Oh, I forgot to mention, I moved out as I was depressed, lonely, and lacked enthusiasm. I thought moving out will help me as it did the last time. But wait, last time, I was still having some hope and enthusiasm within me. There was something I could cling to. Only if I had the same hope, enthusiasm, and motivation, things would have been different today.
I have been wearing the same track pants and sweater for the past few days. Even though I remind myself to put on another one, I still choose to wear the same every day. It still has the fragrance of the perfume I once admired. The fragrance reminded me of the happy and blissful time I once had. However, now the fragrance doesn’t bring a smile to my face. It just reminds me how lonely I am and things are not going to be the same.
Though I didn’t say a proper goodbye to my loved ones, I still visit them. But I do it in a secretive manner. I see them from a distance safe enough to not get noticed by them. They seem to be missing me. Some of them still look for answers on why I decided to leave without saying goodbye.
It’s just a matter of time. Soon they will move on and forget me. If not, they won’t at least wait for me to return or answer their questions. I was always the rebel kid who fought her way to get things done.
I guess I will have to fight again to put my life on track. For the past few days, I have been trying to start afresh. Therefore, today I have made a list of things that I am supposed to do. I will start with changing my bedsheets, cleaning my washroom, doing laundry, and of course arranging my bookshelf. If I dig deeper, I have loads of work to be done. I have to check on my aunt, connect to my friends, buy groceries, finish the pending office work & so on. I don’t know when I will stop procrastinating and re-pack myself up like I always did.
But how do you make a fresh start when you are not present in the materialistic world? For how long I am supposed to be a dead person who committed suicide after going through prolonged depression? I guess I will have to find my peace.
Also Read: The Reason I Can’t Move On
Prerna loves to write and shower love on animals. She enjoys reading and exploring places. Though sweet in her pictures, at times, she is difficult to understand. Being a strong believer in hard work and karma, she loves solitude and peace. Apart from this, she loves petrichor and harmony and wishes to achieve her one and only ataraxia for a lifetime.