How does it feel to love someone for a lifetime, knowing that he/she won’t come to you ever? Unrequited love is not an easy thing and at times, it rips your soul. People say love makes you strong and it is true. My unrequited love made me so strong that I have come along so far. I never thought I would love someone to this extent.
It was during my college when I first saw Sam at a picnic with my friends. He was a shy and apprehensive guy. But there was something about him that made him irresistible. Perhaps it was his well-built body and charming personality. The only thing that we had in common was a mutual friend. Sam seemed to feel a bit awkward among us. Even after trying so hard, I just couldn’t stop looking at him. However, not for a single time, our eyes met and I have no idea if he had noticed me.
I saw him smile while we headed back to our home. That was it. I lost my heart to him but then I thought, why would he take notice of me. After a few months, we crossed paths and since then we started talking to each other. Sam was actually a shy guy but often teased me with funny names.
Every day I would look forward to his texts and calls. We would go on talking about life, problems, dreams, and interests. He would laugh at my silly jokes and every time I heard him laughing, I loved him even more. At times, my inner self would scream, “I really love you, Sam. What do you think about me?” But then, I would stop myself from voicing my deepest feelings for him.
Sometimes, I feel he too loved me but never dared to say so. Else why would he have cared for me and shared his problems with me? But then my mind tells me, “He considered you his friend, especially when he had betrayals from his other friends.” Whatever Sam thought about me, I knew one thing, I was in love with this man. I had never experienced such a strong connection and then there he was.
I don’t know how many times I had imagined my life with him. Sam and I, together forever. We could have made a happy and power couple. Together, we could have run a small business and bought a house. He would have been a loving life partner to me. I used to imagine a hundred things, hundred times a day, and still, I never got tired of it.
Whenever I listened to any song, it felt as if the entire lyrics and melody were dedicated to him. No matter where I went, I always wanted to be with him. My mind always processed thoughts of Sam in them. It was such a satisfying feeling to love him, listen to him, and make him laugh.
It’s not that I never wanted to let him know what I feel for him. It is just that I feared his reaction. Moreover, he had already made it clear that he doesn’t want anyone in his life. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from falling for him. Perhaps this is what love is. The harder you try not to fall in love, the more likely you are to find love.
I wish I had told him how much I loved him. Or maybe I should say, “how much I love him” because I still do. After all, he was my first love and it is hard to forget. You may learn to live without it but you may not be able to move on. You may stop loving that person but you just can’t forget your first love. Likewise, I remember every single thing about Sam and the moments spent with him.
But why do I love him even today after knowing he isn’t alive? Yes, Sam died in an unfortunate accident while he was out on another picnic with his friends. Strange, isn’t it? They were near a dam and Sam was among those enjoying the river water oblivious to their fate. I remember Sam had called me just a few minutes back before a huge gush of water washed him away.
He seemed to be happy and said if I was there with him to enjoy the picnic. Soon he disconnected the call saying he would talk to me later. Little did I know, it was the last call from him and I won’t get to hear him any longer. When he drowned, the news spread like a fire and it reached my ears too. Yes, I cried out my eyes but the more I cried, the more helpless I felt. It was as if I was short of oxygen and my heart had stopped beating.
The river took Sam away from me, the only person I fell in love with, in my entire lifetime. All my hopes, dreams, and happiness got washed away in one moment. A few weeks after his demise, I went to the riverside in the hope to soothe the pain. While I was staring at the river, I could imagine what Sam would have gone through during his last moments. He must have felt suffocation due to water entering into his windpipe and lungs. Sam would have fought for his life and then lost to death.
Often, I wonder if he would have thought of any of us before taking his last breath? Would he have thought of me? Over the course of time, I learned to live with the fact that Sam’s life was meant to end like this. Perhaps, it was meant to be unrequited love. But even today when it’s 7 PM, I wait for his texts and call. I tried yoga and meditation to heal myself and I have succeeded in it.
However, I couldn’t get over the regret for not expressing my love to him. Though I had given him certain hints in bits and pieces, I never told him what he meant to me. I regret it every day but still, this unrequited love seems to be an integral part of me. It’s been ten years and the regret seems to be growing. Many people came into my life and went but nobody could replace Sam. Even today when I visit the riverside, I often feel Sam is somewhere hiding and looking at me.
It’s true that even if your beloved leaves this physical world, you still hope to reunite. That hope could be in a shattered and disintegrated form but still, you don’t give up. His demise created a void in my life that may not ever fill. Memories have taught me to laugh again and live my life the way he wanted to live his. But the hope, void, and regret are still there to keep my unrequited love alive forever.
Prerna loves to write and shower love on animals. She enjoys reading and exploring places. Though sweet in her pictures, at times, she is difficult to understand. Being a strong believer in hard work and karma, she loves solitude and peace. Apart from this, she loves petrichor and harmony and wishes to achieve her one and only ataraxia for a lifetime.