Today’s morning was a different one. I woke up, picked my phone, and checked the time on it. As usual, I woke up at 6:30 AM. Soon I got up and sat while still being in the bed. My hair was loose and messy. Strands of hair were hanging loosely from here and there. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, I felt as if my bedroom was looking a bit different. The painting on one of the walls was looking more vibrant and beautiful than ever.
A few rays of the sun were penetrating through the curtains on the window. With curiosity, I just found myself pulling the curtains to one side. The sunlight was warm yet soothing. I allowed the sunlight to touch my skin and fill it with a golden radiance. Little birds were chirping on the branch of the mango tree opposite my window. They were playing with little twigs on the ground and were hopping here and there. The morning breeze was soothing and it made me feel rejuvenated. For 15 minutes, I was standing there and admiring everything.
Something was different today. I was feeling better, calm, and delighted. Unlike any other day, I wasn’t feeling gloomy. My focus was on positivity, hope, and optimism. There was a smile on my face, after so many months. Soon, I was going through my WhatsApp texts received from my friends, colleagues, cousins, and others. None of the texts seemed boring or annoying to me and so I replied to all of them. Soon after carrying out my morning routine, I went on to comb my hair. While looking into the mirror, I found slight dark circles under my eyes. My skin was pale yet slightly glowing, perhaps due to the sunlight falling on my face. I looked weak and extremely thin yet I was smiling.
At 9:00 am, I had my breakfast and really enjoyed it. I ate as if I had been hungry for weeks. After having breakfast, I listened to my favorite playlist for the first time in months.
For so many months, I was longing for this day. It wasn’t my birthday or any special day or any festival. Yet, I was happy from the bottom of my heart. Not for a single time, my eyes were filled with the agony I had been going through. In fact, I could see hope and the desire to live my life, the way I wanted to. So, I texted my cousins and best friend and asked them if they were planning for any trip in the coming week.
During the entire day, I tried to finish most of my pending work. While I was going through my pending work, I was really surprised to find so many of them piled up. In the evening, while I was sitting on my usual spot and staring at the evening sky, I wondered how gloomy I had been. For months, I have been crying and trying my best to hide my tears. There were times when I wanted to scream loudly and let my pain flow with the tears. But I was unable to do so. Every night I would ask God to take away my sufferings and grant me the peace I had once in my life. Many times, I was surrounded by suicidal thoughts as I didn’t want to live anymore.
Even after knowing that I am married to someone my parents chose for me, I would resent my life. There were days when I would eat once. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the food but because I didn’t feel like eating anything. My spouse and in-laws would often ask me to try to be a normal and happy person. However, they never realized my happiness was no longer with me. The person I wanted to share my life with wasn’t here. I was married in an affluent family but nothing could make me feel happy for a moment.
It wasn’t that I didn’t try to accept my marriage and new beginnings. I did but then I failed every time. Perhaps, because my in-laws often nagged me for not bringing enough dowry or because I chose to continue with my job. My spouse knew that something was really wrong with me and therefore, he often asked me to visit a psychiatrist.
Before getting married to him, I had told him about how unhappy I was with this alliance. He didn’t say anything. Instead, he agreed to marry me while I was still protesting. The day I got married was the last day I saw the love of my life. With the heavy lehenga, jewelry, and makeup, I might have looked phenomenal but deep down, I was dying. Though I was getting married, I wasn’t able to feel the happiness and merry-making my folks were experiencing.
With a heavy heart, I came to my ‘new home’ but it felt so strange and uncomfortable. For days, I tried my best to adjust. Whenever my spouse came near me, I felt like pushing him away. I just can’t forget the person I loved or should I say, the person I love? Every night before going to bed, I would re-read our old conversation and feel miserable. But today this isn’t going to happen.
Maybe because yesterday I realized my love and I, had spent moments that are worth cherishing. So what, we didn’t get married? After all, we didn’t love each other to cry forever.
Prerna loves to write and shower love on animals. She enjoys reading and exploring places. Though sweet in her pictures, at times, she is difficult to understand. Being a strong believer in hard work and karma, she loves solitude and peace. Apart from this, she loves petrichor and harmony and wishes to achieve her one and only ataraxia for a lifetime.