After you left, I was grief-stricken and my mobile was flooded with messages from people asking me to move on. Honestly, I felt like ignoring the texts and not giving a damn about what anyone had to say. Because I didn’t want to move on from our memories. There had been days when I hardly stepped out of my room and spoke a word to anyone. I never knew the pain of separation could be so deep and terrible. All I wanted was to be with you, for once.
Do you remember how happy I was when you came into my life? Or should I say I was never happy the way I was after meeting you? You knew that I loved you, didn’t you? There were days when you would never go out of my sight and stay close to me no matter what. Every morning, the first thing that you wanted was the sense of my presence and touch. My life revolved around you and so did yours. We were so happy together.
I loved you so much that I can’t describe it in words. You were conceivably well aware of what you meant to me. In fact, even today, you are the center of my world. Every morning begins with your thoughts and every night you are the last thing on my mind. Never in my life, I had thought of loving someone so deeply and madly. I gave you my love-filled heart and devoted myself to you.
People who know me used to say, I would never love someone so much. They often called me careless and sloppy. I can’t blame them for that as I was a kind of girl back then. I never cared about the future or how someone would perceive me. But then you walked in and things took a sharp turn. For the first time in my life, I wanted things to slow down and have a balance in my life. In the world of casual relationships and broken families, I wanted to invest my time and emotions in you.
That one night when I crossed paths with you, was the turning point in my life. You changed me. The best thing is I never realized that I am changing until you thanked me for caring for you. There were times when my folks tried to convince me to be a bit serious about my career, life, and future. Every time they pointed out that I needed to behave and learn to make myself productive, I chucked those lectures. Maybe because I found those motivational lectures boring and annoying.
The more people tried to bring stability into my life, the more reckless I became. After all, what do you expect from a girl who grew up in a broken family with abusive people? Childhood abuses, half-siblings rivalry, and arrogance, never allowed the innocent girl in me, come out. Growing up, I believed that if you want to survive, stop being good. But I also wanted to move on from my past experiences. This is when I chose the path of self-destruction.
People blamed me for my smoking and drinking habits but they never knew, it helped me stay sane. No one ever wanted to know why I had a disturbed childhood and teenage. All they saw was a girl who never fulfilled the criteria for being an ideal girl. People saw me as a disobedient, spoiled and conceited person. Even if I tried, they never saw a girl craving love, warmth, and affection.
So I lost all my hope of experiencing any kind of love in my life. This is when the entire universe conspired. I saw you sitting alone, hungry and homeless on the streets. Oh, what a night it was! It was freezing out there and you sat with literally no warm clothes. I don’t know what pushed me to reach out to you and ask why you were sitting there.
I remember the first thing that you said when I asked who you were, was, “Do you care to help me?” It was exactly the same question I wanted everyone to ask. I couldn’t stop myself from inviting you to my place. The moment I brought you in and ensured you were warm, you held my hands and said, “You saved me.” I couldn’t believe my ears.
“I saved a person! Was I capable of doing that? That means there is goodness and kindness in me,” I kept thinking about it. With you every day brought a new experience in my life. I felt an instant connection with you after listening to your ordeal. Maybe because you were an orphan with no money and had gone through a lot. Perhaps I could relate to what you have been through. This is why I decided to let you stay with me for as long as you wanted.
Instead of partying and spoiling my health, I preferred spending time with you. You made me realize what it is to care about someone and make them feel loved and special.
Eventually, I was able to move on from the trauma of childhood abuse. I could smile and feel genuinely content. For the first time in my life, I could see beauty in everything and find happiness in little things. But then this contentment was short-lived. Who knew, you came into my life to help me move on and bring together the shattered pieces of my soul?
The day you were diagnosed with the fourth stage of cancer, was when something broke inside me. I cried not because I would lose you but because I couldn’t see my life without you. Every day, I would see you going through the miseries. How heartbreaking it is to see your loved one struggling for every single breath and a moment to be alive?
Though doctors tried their best to treat you, destiny had some other plans. I remember sitting by your bedside, holding your hands and watching you taking in every single breath with such difficulty. You used to ask me to stay strong and live my life happily and work on my dreams. Those words still ring in my ear and I can hear them every single day.
The day you died, a part of me died with you. A part that loved you and wanted to live with you till my last breath. Now I am lonely once again but I’m not the same person I used to be before I met you. People ask me to move on and start afresh but I can’t. Maybe because I want to hold on to the short-lived time we had. But there will be a day when I will wake up and won’t cry for not having you by my side.
My love, you were a fighter and you taught me life is so beautiful. I hope we’ll meet again on the big judgment day. Whether or not I fulfill all my dreams, I will try my best to make you proud. So that when unite in an afterlife, you throw your arms around me and say, “You did it, Mumma”.
Prerna loves to write and shower love on animals. She enjoys reading and exploring places. Though sweet in her pictures, at times, she is difficult to understand. Being a strong believer in hard work and karma, she loves solitude and peace. Apart from this, she loves petrichor and harmony and wishes to achieve her one and only ataraxia for a lifetime.